Saving your marriage with two willing people can feel daunting and overwhelming at times. But saving your marriage when one spouse is not participating and has said very hurtful things can feel downright impossible. A wife might be dealing with a marriage in which both parties have said hurtful things that have caused resentments, amolatina.reviews hurt feelings, and a sense of hopelessness. In this type of situation, it can be hard to determine where to even start.

A wife might say, “I admit that while my husband and I have been struggling while going through a separation, I’ve said some pretty mean things to him. I am frustrated with feeling as if I don’t matter to him. I feel like I’ve just been dismissed while he gets the luxury of sorting himself out and deciding what he wants. So yes, in my frustration, I have called him selfish. But before we even separated, he was saying really hurtful things to me. For example, he said that I sold him a bill of goods when we were dating. He said that he was dating a laid back, funny girl who was thin and healthy. But then after he married me he got an uptight, overly-serious person who was overweight. He acts as if I purposely tricked him and then switched my personality for spite. He doesn’t realize that people naturally mature and change over time. He even called me ‘portly’ once. And he said that he thinks that I take joy in making him unhappy. These are low blows. But we have kids to think about. So I’ve asked him if he thinks that it will be possible to save our marriage. His answer was that he doesn’t know, but that he thinks that we are better off just going with the flow right now. He’s pretty distant and cold. In spite of this, I would like to save my marriage for the sake of my children. But when I mention this to my sister or to my friends, they both ask why I’d want to maintain a marriage to someone who has said hurtful things to me. I do see their point. Are hurtful words an indication that you can’t or shouldn’t save your marriage?”

I’m not a counselor, but in my nonprofessional opinion, that depends. If your spouse makes a habit of saying hurtful things to you regardless of whether he is angry or you are fighting, then this is problematic because it shows a pattern of cruelty or a lack of empathy. If he is saying mean things just to hurt you without any regard for your feelings and the relationship is constantly toxic, then I’d want to see some changes before I make any long term commitment.

With that said, it’s extremely common for both people to say some pretty awful things in the middle of a fight or during a separation. Emotions can be incredibly high. Both spouses can say things that they deeply regret and are incredibly embarrassed and remorseful about later. I know that this was the case during my own separation. We both said anastasiadate-review really regretful things to one another. I wish I could take them back, but I can’t. Your husband may feel this way also. It really does come down to a question of whether the hurtful things were said in the heat of the moment or whether it is your husband’s typical habit to be hurtful or verbally abusive. There is a difference between a couple who has a regrettable fight and trades hurtful insults and a marriage where one spouse is constantly belittling the other for sport. If you can’t decide which category your marriage falls into, I’d suggest asking a counselor or neutral third party. Sometimes, we get so close to our situation that we can’t see it objectively anymore.

If you decide that your husband’s words were due to the situation instead of intentionally meant to hurt you, then I can tell you that it’s possible to move beyond hurtful interactions. My husband and I were truly brutal one another at times during our separation. And I was just as guilty as he was. I was so hurt that he was moving out that I was deliberately cruel because I was just trying to get a reaction out of him. Ultimately though, I made a decision to let go of any anger I had about these conversations because I wanted to move on. I decided to use the conversations to draw a line in the sand to define the type of marriage that I no longer wanted. Sure, no one can get through life without ever saying something in anger to their spouse, but with effort and in time, you can improve your marriage so that more words are said in happiness than in anger.

When your marriage is back on track and you are feeling loving and protective of your spouse again, those types of hurtful conversations usually don’t surface very often. If the conversations are bothering you, then you can certainly ask for clarification when things calm down and when you are back on solid ground. It would be fair to ask if he really has an issue with your weight or demeanor, but I’d suspect that if you have this conversation when things are better (or you’ve reconciled) he will say that he only said those things because he was angry at the time.

But to answer the original question, you save your marriage in this scenario by asking yourself what your husband’s intentions were. Once you’re satisfied that these hurtful remarks aren’t a habit, then you work on yourself first and then on your marriage as things calm down and you are able to do so. I know that things seem immediate and explosive now, but as time moves on, things tend to calm down so that you can communicate in more productive ways and without hurting one another.

Would you like to incorporate more warmth into your marriage? Here is a “divorce-proofing” exercise for you to try. I say divorce-proof because if you do this every day, chances are you will not be prone charmdatefraud to accumulating contempt and resentment. A “Hug from the Heart,” is a great new habit to start.

The secrets of long-lasting, happy marriages include simple things that increase warmth in a relationship. And who does not want a more loving, connected relationship?

TRY THIS: AS EARLY AS POSSIBLE IN THE DAY, SPEND ONE MINUTE HUGGING YOUR PARTNER.

My friend Kristine James has been doing this for many years and highly recommends it. This is your opportunity to stop the world for just a minute while you embrace, taking in the feel of your partner. What a great way to start the day. One minute can seem long and if it is awkward, aim for 30 seconds at first.

You can hug horizontally in bed upon waking, but try to develop a habit of hugging after you’ve gotten ready for the day, before going your separate ways. After you’ve showered and gotten ready for the day, your paths might cross in the hall. What a perfect time for a smile and a hug. This is a hug from the heart.

Another option is to hug six times a day for six seconds. Sounds scientific. Should you time yourself? Authors Patricia Love and Steven Stosny say that if the first emotion of the day is a positive one, the next emotion is likely to be positive. They say that the less you touch, the more resentful and detached you can become. Frequent hugs keep serotonin levels high enough to ensure a calm feeling.

If you start every day with a hug and make it a habit, you will add warmth to your marriage and improve your physical, emotional and mental health. By making hugs a ritual, you will be less likely to carry resentment and anger into the next day. How can you be upset with your partner if you know you will be hugging each other for a minute each day? africandatescam If you adopt this habit and find that you neglect or miss several days in a row, you will notice that things are not “right.” As soon as you notice a little distance, talk about it.

Consider a hug (or 6!) a day an insurance policy. You will insure against the possibility of drifting apart.

“Reciprocity is essential for the survival of a relationship.” -Willard F. Harley Jr.

Doing something together physically can rejuvenate you and your relationship. Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr. believes that we all have important emotional needs and names “recreational companionship” africandatereview as one of the ten most important needs, especially for men.

SET ASIDE ANYWHERE FROM 30 MINUTES TO FOUR HOURS FOR A RECREATIONAL ACTIVITY, PREFERABLY SOMETHING YOU CAN DO TOGETHER THAT INVOLVES PHYSICAL EXERTION, WITHOUT YOUNG CHILDREN OR OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS.

It can be mild or rigorous and should be something you participate in as opposed to being a spectator. It’s acceptable to be a part of a group or to do something with another couple, but should not include family members because this is time for just the two of you, apart from your role as mother and father.

Before selecting an activity, be sure to identify mutual interests. I want an enthusiastic agreement, not a begrudging attitude on the part of one partner. If one partner prefers an activity, you can reciprocate next week. Mainly, the two of you should be interested in the chosen recreational activity.

If you have physical limitations, you could play a board game, engage in a craft, prepare a meal or do something else from a seated position. Depending on your limitations, you could stroll through a museum or art gallery or attend a professional sporting event, even though you would be spectators.

Here are some activities to consider: walk, jog, hike, work-out, do anything that will break a sweat. You might like gardening or doing yard work, although try to avoid chores and be sure to focus on fun and pleasurable activities. Volunteer in your community. How about trying disc golf, africandatefraud mini-golfing, hitting a bucket of golf balls on a driving range, bowling or laser tag? Go out dancing or take a fitness class together.

If you have children, think of things they do for fun. I don’t think you want to get on a pogo stick, scooter or skateboard, but how about trying yard games including croquet, bocci ball or a ring toss game? Darts, archery, tennis, ping pong? For more adventure, try rock climbing, kayaking, canoeing, boating, or take a white water rafting adventure. You may have to plan ahead of time to make arrangements, depending on what you have in mind.

Be a tourist in your own town or consider something local, free, convenient and low cost. If you like riding bicycles, find a place that rents bicycles and take a bike ride. Take a walk in a local park and have a picnic lunch. Build a snowman. Fly a kite.

Whatever you decide, find a fun way to pass the time. Don’t we all need more fun in our lives?

Recreational activities offer a high return on your investment. The time you spend together results in increased friendship and emotional connection. You might also feel a sense of teamwork, depending on what you do. Recreational companionship is so important that I am including this exercise a total of three times, or once a week during this program. If you find you need to swap a few of the daily exercises around in order to accommodate a particular day, feel free to do so. Many of the other activities can be done in less than twenty minutes, but for a recreational outing, you will probably need more time. I hope that you will take many occasions in your married life to incorporate recreational activities if you are not already doing so.

Doing something together physically can rejuvenate you and your relationship. Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr. believes that we all have important emotional needs and names “recreational companionship” as one of the ten most important needs, especially for men.

SET ASIDE ANYWHERE FROM 30 MINUTES TO FOUR HOURS FOR A RECREATIONAL ACTIVITY, PREFERABLY SOMETHING YOU CAN DO TOGETHER THAT INVOLVES PHYSICAL EXERTION, WITHOUT YOUNG CHILDREN OR OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS.

It can be mild or rigorous and should be something you participate in as opposed to being a spectator. It’s acceptable to be a part of a group or to do something with another couple, but should anastesiadatescam not include family members because this is time for just the two of you, apart from your role as mother and father.

Before selecting an activity, be sure to identify mutual interests. I want an enthusiastic agreement, not a begrudging attitude on the part of one partner. If one partner prefers an activity, you can reciprocate next week. Mainly, the two of you should be interested in the chosen recreational activity.

If you have physical limitations, you could play a board game, engage in a craft, prepare a meal or do something else from a seated position. Depending on your limitations, you could stroll through a museum or art gallery or attend a professional sporting event, even though you would be spectators.

Here are some activities to consider: walk, jog, hike, work-out, do anything that will break a sweat. You might like gardening or doing yard work, although try to avoid chores and be sure to focus on fun and pleasurable activities. Volunteer in your community. How about trying disc golf, mini-golfing, hitting a bucket of golf balls on a driving range, bowling or laser tag? Go out dancing or take a fitness class together.

If you have children, think of things they do for fun. I don’t think you want to get on a pogo stick, scooter or skateboard, but how about trying yard games including croquet, bocci ball or a ring toss game? russianbridesreviews Darts, archery, tennis, ping pong? For more adventure, try rock climbing, kayaking, canoeing, boating, or take a white water rafting adventure. You may have to plan ahead of time to make arrangements, depending on what you have in mind.

Be a tourist in your own town or consider something local, free, convenient and low cost. If you like riding bicycles, find a place that rents bicycles and take a bike ride. Take a walk in a local park and have a picnic lunch. Build a snowman. Fly a kite.

Whatever you decide, find a fun way to pass the time. Don’t we all need more fun in our lives?

Recreational activities offer a high return on your investment. The time you spend together results in increased friendship and emotional connection. You might also feel a sense of teamwork, depending on what you do. Recreational companionship is so important that I am including this exercise a total of three times, or once a week during this program. If you find you need to swap a few of the daily exercises around in order to accommodate a particular day, feel free to do so. Many of the other activities can be done in less than twenty minutes, but for a recreational outing, you will probably need more time. I hope that you will take many occasions in your married life to incorporate recreational activities if you are not already doing so.

Would you like to incorporate more warmth into your marriage? Here is a “divorce-proofing” exercise for you to try. I say divorce-proof because if you do this every day, chances are you will not be prone anastesiadatefraud to accumulating contempt and resentment. A “Hug from the Heart,” is a great new habit to start.

The secrets of long-lasting, happy marriages include simple things that increase warmth in a relationship. And who does not want a more loving, connected relationship?

TRY THIS: AS EARLY AS POSSIBLE IN THE DAY, SPEND ONE MINUTE HUGGING YOUR PARTNER.

My friend Kristine James has been doing this for many years and highly recommends it. This is your opportunity to stop the world for just a minute while you embrace, taking in the feel of your partner. What a great way to start the day. One minute can seem long and if it is awkward, aim for 30 seconds at first.

You can hug horizontally in bed upon waking, but try to develop a habit of hugging after you’ve gotten ready for the day, before going your separate ways. After you’ve showered and gotten ready for the day, your paths might cross in the hall. What a perfect time for a smile and a hug. This is a hug from the heart.

Another option is to hug six times a day for six seconds. Sounds scientific. Should you time yourself? Authors Patricia Love and Steven Stosny say that if the first emotion of the day is a positive one, the next emotion is likely to be positive. They say that the less you touch, the more resentful and detached you can become. Frequent hugs keep serotonin levels high enough to ensure a calm feeling.

If you start every day with a hug and make it a habit, you will add warmth to your marriage and improve your physical, emotional and mental health. By making hugs a ritual, you will be less likely to carry resentment and anger into the next day. How can you be upset with your partner if you know you will be hugging each other for a minute each day? If you adopt this habit and find that you neglect or miss several days in a row, anastasiadateyou will notice that things are not “right.” As soon as you notice a little distance, talk about it.

Consider a hug (or 6!) a day an insurance policy. You will insure against the possibility of drifting apart.

“Reciprocity is essential for the survival of a relationship.” -Willard F. Harley Jr.

Doing something together physically can rejuvenate you and your relationship. Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr. believes that we all have important emotional needs and names “recreational companionship” as one of the ten most important needs, especially for men.

SET ASIDE ANYWHERE FROM 30 MINUTES TO FOUR HOURS FOR A RECREATIONAL ACTIVITY, PREFERABLY SOMETHING YOU CAN DO TOGETHER THAT INVOLVES PHYSICAL EXERTION, WITHOUT YOUNG CHILDREN OR OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS.

It can be mild or rigorous and should be something you participate in as opposed to being a spectator. It’s acceptable to be a part of a group or to do something with another couple, but should chinalovereviews not include family members because this is time for just the two of you, apart from your role as mother and father.

Before selecting an activity, be sure to identify mutual interests. I want an enthusiastic agreement, not a begrudging attitude on the part of one partner. If one partner prefers an activity, you can reciprocate next week. Mainly, the two of you should be interested in the chosen recreational activity.

If you have physical limitations, you could play a board game, engage in a craft, prepare a meal or do something else from a seated position. Depending on your limitations, you could stroll through a museum or art gallery or attend a professional sporting event, even though you would be spectators.

Here are some activities to consider: walk, jog, hike, work-out, do anything that will break a sweat. You might like gardening or doing yard work, although try to avoid chores and be sure to focus on fun and pleasurable activities. Volunteer in your community. How about trying disc golf, mini-golfing, hitting a bucket of golf balls on a driving range, bowling or laser tag? Go out dancing or take a fitness class together.

If you have children, think of things they do for fun. I don’t think you want to get on a pogo stick, scooter or skateboard, but how about trying yard games including croquet, bocci ball or a ring toss game? Darts, archery, tennis, ping pong? For more adventure, try rock climbing, russianbridesfraud kayaking, canoeing, boating, or take a white water rafting adventure. You may have to plan ahead of time to make arrangements, depending on what you have in mind.

Be a tourist in your own town or consider something local, free, convenient and low cost. If you like riding bicycles, find a place that rents bicycles and take a bike ride. Take a walk in a local park and have a picnic lunch. Build a snowman. Fly a kite.

Whatever you decide, find a fun way to pass the time. Don’t we all need more fun in our lives?

Recreational activities offer a high return on your investment. The time you spend together results in increased friendship and emotional connection. You might also feel a sense of teamwork, depending on what you do. Recreational companionship is so important that I am including this exercise a total of three times, or once a week during this program. If you find you need to swap a few of the daily exercises around in order to accommodate a particular day, feel free to do so. Many of the other activities can be done in less than twenty minutes, but for a recreational outing, you will probably need more time. I hope that you will take many occasions in your married life to incorporate recreational activities if you are not already doing so.

AT around our tenth wedding anniversary, we had a realisation.

The realisation we had was this: despite all the quality marriage counselling we had received from our wonderfully gifted and skilled marriage counsellor early on, we were, at that time, still not enjoying satisfaction.

We now knew the principles, but now we had to apply them. Knowledge of principles provides no satisfaction, only application matchscams provides satisfaction.

The year our marriage grew coincided with application. Instead of believing in concepts and talking about them, we decided to commit to working the concepts out in our marriage. This inevitably meant adapting the marital wisdom we had learned so it worked for our unique coupling, for our inimitable family structure.

We had had twenty counselling sessions, and I think our counsellor was at pains to say, ‘Go and do what we’ve been talking about; what I’ve been showing you’… initially it even got worse. It had nothing to do with the standard of our counsel – it was like growing pains in our marriage. Things tend to get worse before they get better.

Inevitably, we as partners had to learn to commit to each other in ways we had never thought we would need to. Our covenant to each other was solid, but we now had to commit to love this other person in ways that worked for them, not simply ourselves. Without even recognising it at the time, we began to accept each other like we had never done before. That is true love: unconditional acceptance at the deepest level. And it takes time.

The year our marriage grew was Year 4. Indeed, the previous three simply proved our commitment to each other. We hadn’t torn each other apart. But there were some horrible experiences. Whilst those first three years were unbelievably tough, they set us up as we pressed on into the hard work required in finding our way into the space of marital peace (which is punctuated with conflict that is managed well in the main).

My wife and I are believers in marriage; that marriage is not only wonderful but hard work. We believe, as we experienced, that counselling works; but not only that, there’s a limit to what counselling can do. cupidfraud I say that as someone who gives marital counsel.

It must be applied. There needs to be a time where a couple weighs anchor and begins the work of reconciling the problems on the high seas of their marriage. It can take years, but don’t be despondent. You learn to survive when it’s just you and your spouse. Sure, we all need tune-ups, prayer and support, but others’ help is limited.

You would think being married would mean you automatically have a Valentine. Well, for many married folks it’s just not the case. In fact, for some married couples Valentine’s Day is just a painful reminder of what they don’t have.

Marriage is blissful for most, bland for some and painful for others. It’s one of those days on the calendar that is hard to ignore. Women brag about their diamonds, roses and fine chocolates. Men gossip about how romantic they were and pat themselves on the back. zooskfrauds Then there are those who are only grateful that the day has come and gone.

The question is, “where do you fit in on Valentine’s Day”? Are you blissful or miserable or somewhere in the middle?

If you are miserable there is some good news. You can change your relationship in the next 12 months and be blissful the next time Valentine’s Day rolls around. This should be your goal so that you no longer feel married and alone on the most romantic day of the year.

I know you are thinking, this can’t happen for me. My question for you is “why not”?

Why can’t you fix your relationship over a 12 month period?

Isn’t it better to try and fail, than to not try at all?

When is the last time you did something with a purpose to change your relationship?

My suggestion is that you take the pressure off fixing your marriage. Lower the stress and anxiety in your marriage and your house. It’s hard to fix something when the heat or pressure is too high. When stress is too high, feelings of anger and resentment overshadow love and patience and the spirit of cooperation.

A good place to start rebuilding your marriage is to refuse to dwell on the negative. The only way to do so is to change your thinking habits. The following statement is critical to your marriage restoration.

Stop your negative thoughts before they begin to fill your mind and heart with discontent.

Just so you understand, I said “stop your negative thoughts before they begin to fill your mind and heart with discontent”.

For example, let’s say your spouse makes a sarcastic comment about something you did or didn’t do.

What happens next?

A negative thought pops into your head like charmdatefraud “what a unappreciative selfish blank”. Then the second thought pops in like “If he/she doesn’t like it he/she should leave”.

If you are not careful, in the span of less than 5 minutes, 15 to 20 negative thoughts about your spouse and relationship floats through your brain and your heart.

Do you think this helps or hurts your marriage?

So, as I said above, you must control the negative thoughts and feelings and cut them off as quickly as possible.

A way to do so is to immediately tell yourself how thankful you are for your spouse. Not everyone has a spouse and for this you should be thankful.

Please keep in mind that no person or marriage is perfect. Just because another couple you know looks perfect together trust me, they are not. Don’t compare your marriage to others, unless you are copying some healthy habits you have seen into your marriage.

Most everyone wants to fall in love, especially codependents. To us, love is perhaps the highest ideal, and relationships give our lives meaning and purpose. They enliven and motivate us. A partner provides a companion when we have difficulty initiating action on our own. Being loved also validates our sense of self-esteem, overcomes shame-based doubts about our lovability, and soothes our fears of loneliness. But too often a beautiful romance turns sour. What was a wonderful dream becomes a painful nightmare. russianbridesreviews Ms. Perfect or Mr. Right becomes Ms. or Mr. Wrong. The unconscious is a mighty force. Reason doesn’t seem to stop us from falling in love, nor make it any easier to leave! Even when the relationship turns out to be toxic, once attached, ending the relationship is as hard as falling in love was easy!

The Chemistry of Romance and Falling in Love

Our brains are wired to fall in love – to feel the bliss and euphoria of romance, to enjoy pleasure, and to bond and procreate. Feel-good neurochemicals flood the brain at each stage of lust, attraction, and attachment. Particularly dopamine provides natural high and ecstatic feelings that can be as addictive as cocaine. Deeper feelings are assisted by oxytocin, the “cuddle hormone,” released during orgasm. It’s directly linked to bonding and increases trust and loyalty in romantic attachments.

The Psychology of Romantic Love – Whom We Find Attractive

Psychology plays a role, too. Our self-esteem, mental and emotional health, life experiences, and family relations all influence whom we’re attracted to. Experiences, both positive and negative, impact our choices and make someone appear more or less attractive. For example, we might find commonality attractive, but avoid someone who cheated on an ex if that has happened to us before. We’re attracted to subtle physical attributes, albeit unconsciously, that remind us of a family member. More mysterious, we can be attracted to someone who shares emotional and behavioral patterns with a member of our family even before they become apparent.

The Ideal Stage of Romance

It’s true that we’re blinded by love. Healthy idealization is normal and helps us fall in love. We admire our beloved, are willing to explore our partner’s interests, and accept his or her idiosyncrasies. Love also brings out parts of our personality that were dormant. We might feel manlier or more womanly, more empathic, generous, hopeful, and more willing to take risks and try new things. In this way, we feel more alive, because we have access to other aspects of our ordinary or constricted personality. Additionally, in early dating, we’re usually more honest than down the road amolatinascam.news when we become invested in the relationship and fear speaking our truth might precipitate a breakup.

Although, healthy idealization doesn’t blind us to serious warning signs of problems, if we’re depressed or have low self-esteem, we’re more likely to idealize a prospective partner and overlook signs of trouble, such as unreliability or addiction, or accept behavior that is disrespectful or abusive. The neurochemicals of romance can lift our depressed mood and fuel codependency and love addiction when we seek a relationship in order to put an end to our loneliness or emptiness. When we lack a support system or are unhappy, we might rush into a relationship and become attached quickly before really knowing our partner. This is also referred to as “love on the rebound” or a “transitional relationship” following a breakup or divorce. It’s far better to first recover from a breakup.

The Ordeal Stage of Romance

After the initial ideal stage, usually starting after six months, we enter the ordeal stage as we learn more things about our partner that displease us. We discover habits and flaws we dislike and attitudes we believe to be ignorant or distasteful. In fact, some of the same traits that attracted us now annoy us. We liked that our mate was warm and friendly, but now feel ignored at social gatherings. We admired his bold and decisive, but learn he’s rude and close-minded. We were enchanted by her carefree spirit, but are now appalled by her unrealistic spending. We were captivated by his unfettered expressions of love and a promised future, but discover he’s loose with the truth.

Additionally, as the high wears off, we start to revert to our ordinary personality, and so has our partner. We don’t feel as expansive, loving, and unselfish. In the beginning, we may have gone out of our way to accommodate him or her, now we complain that our needs aren’t being met. We’ve changed, and we don’t feel as wonderful, but we want those blissful feelings back.

Two things happen next that can damage relationships. First, now that we’re attached and fear losing or upsetting our partner, we hold back feelings, wants, and needs. This puts up walls to intimacy, the secret sauce that keeps love alive. In its place we withdraw and breed resentments. Our feelings can come out sideways with sarcasm or passive-aggression. As romance and idealization fade, the second fatal mistake is to complain and try to turn our partner into who we first idealized him or her to be. We feel cheated and disillusioned that our partner is now behaving differently than in the beginning of the relationship. He or she, too, is reverting to their ordinary personality that may include less effort made to win you and accommodate your needs. Our partner will feel controlled and resentful and may pull away.

In some cases, we might discover serious problems – that our partner has an addiction, mental illness, or his abusive or dishonest. These are issues that require a serious commitment to change and often years of therapy to overcome. Many codependents, who get quickly involved for the reasons stated above, will sacrifice their own happiness and continue in a relationship for years trying to change, help, and fix their partner. The dysfunctional family dynamics of their childhood often get repeated in their marriages or relationships. They may unconsciously be contributing to the problem, because they’re reacting to an abusive or controlling parent. Change requires healing our past and overcoming shame and low self-esteem to feel entitled to love and appreciation.

Getting to the Real Deal

We might not want to continue a relationship that involves addiction or abuse or has other serious problems. Lacking major obstacles, getting past the ordeal to the real deal requires self-esteem, courage, acceptance, and assertiveness skills. It necessitates the ability to honestly speak up about our needs and wants, to share feelings, compromise, and resolve conflict. Rather than try to change our partner, our efforts are better placed on learning to accept him or her. (This doesn’t mean accepting abuse.) This is the struggle for intimacy, and requires a commitment by both partners to get through the ordeal stage with mutual respect and a desire to make the relationship work.

I sometimes hear from wives who have been telling their husband that they are considering leaving the home or the marriage. Some are sincere about this. They are unhappy and feel that taking a break by leaving may be the best thing at the time. Others are not exactly serious about leaving. chinalovefraud They are threatening to leave in the hopes that their husband will ask them not to (or they will at least get a reaction out of him to show that he still cares.)

Unfortunately, sometimes this backfires. The wife will announce her intention to leave and hope that her husband will try to stop her (or at the very least ask her not to leave.) Instead, her husband will tell her that he really doesn’t care if she stays or goes. This leaves her unsure of how to proceed. Does she go when she really doesn’t want to in order to save face or make a point? Or does she cave and simply tell him that she changed her mind? And what does her husband’s indifference say about the state of her marriage or her ability to save it?

She might say, “my husband and I have been fighting pretty badly for almost four months. Things are definitely not happy at home. For a while, my husband was apartment hunting and was telling me that he was going to move out, but he never actually did. Still, he complained constantly. I got tired of hearing him complain all of the time, so I told him that I was going to leave so he wouldn’t have to be so unhappy. Now, I’m going to be honest. I really hoped that he would confess that he really doesn’t want for us to live apart, which is why he hadn’t actually signed a lease or moved out yet. Instead, his exact words to me were: ‘I really don’t care if you stay or go.’ He just sort of shrugged his shoulders and said that nothing really changes between us no matter what we do. Now, I am unsure about how to proceed. This hurts me. I had hoped that his not moving out meant that he was willing to save our marriage, but now he acts as if he is indifferent as to whether we live together or not. I don’t want to pack my stuff and leave, but what do I even say now? How do I avoid not having to leave my house? Do I just have to admit that I gambled and lost and that my marriage is over?”

I don’t think so. If everyone who ever threatened to leave their marriage ended up divorced, the divorce rate would be much higher than it actually is. Many couples make these sorts of threats in the heat of the moment and nothing actually comes of them. The threats are understandable. They are usually made because things are bad, but nothing is changing. So one of the spouses decides to shake things up by threatening to leave. anastesiadatereview The hope is the other spouse will beg them not to go and will have to craft a plan to make things better. Frankly, your husband might have done exactly the same thing when he threatened to leave previously. He did not make good on the threat and I don’t believe that you have to, either, especially if you really don’t want to go.

However, it goes without saying that in order for both of you to want to stay put, you’re going to need to dig in and really improve your marriage so that one or both of you do not get so frustrated that you just give up. I think it would be helpful if you could clear the air, if possible, so that you both know that no one is going anywhere immediately. Because if the living situation is up in the air, it becomes harder to commit to doing the work necessary to save your marriage. If you doubt that your spouse will stick around and work with you, there can be some uncertainty, which could hurt your progress. So you might try something like, “well, you may not care if I leave or stay, but I have decided that I care very much. I have calmed down and thought about it and, if I’m being honest, I really don’t want to leave. I said that I did because I was frustrated and didn’t know how to fix this. But I think of instead of us both getting angry and threatening to leave, we could turn our energy toward making things better between us so that no one has to go. I’d prefer not to leave and live alone. I am hopeful that if we work together, neither of us will need to live alone.”

Yes, saying this will make you feel vulnerable, may feel awkward, and requires that you are the bigger person. But it will hopefully buy you some time. After you have cleared the air, hopefully no one will need to threaten to leave in the hopes that the other will ask them not to go. Because in essence, you will have accomplished what you are both hoping for – the reassurance that with work, no one will have to leave, because no one really wants to separate.